LISTS

Ten things which may or may not occur when the Québécois successfully take over Canada

By Kevin Clair

1. La Fin du Monde is declared the national beer of Canada. Hundreds of Ontarians assume it is no different from Molson, and drink entire cases of it; Toronto-area hospitals report sharp spike in admissions for alcohol poisoning.

2. Parliament convenes in special session to rename all English place-names; particular highlights include 'Chapeau-de-Médecine' and 'Mâchoire d'Orignaux.' The session ends in stalemate over the proper translation of 'Flin Flon.'

3. All mail service to Vancouver is delayed six months owing to Ottawa changing the name of the province to Colombie Francaise and not telling anyone.

4. In a desperate bid for legitimacy, the Liberal Party nominates Youppi! as their candidate for Prime Minister. Winning in a landslide, he promptly defects to the Parti Québécois and spends the next twelve months dancing the Hustle in front of Paul Martin's house. No explanation is given.

5. On what would be his final broadcast of Hockey Night in Canada, Don Cherry accuses unnamed French Canadians of not being 'real Canadians' because they insist on wearing visors on their helmets when they play hockey. That night, he is kidnapped in his home by FLQ paramilitaries and taken to an undisclosed location; he is never heard from again. Who's the real Canadian now?

6. All Canadian musicians are required by law to record French and English versions of their records. Hipsters throughout North America enroll in French language courses in record numbers in order to understand the contents of the new Wolf Parade album.

7. The Montréal Expos win the World Series.

8. Canada will still have socialized health care for all citizens.

9. Tim Hortons is bought out by a venture capital partnership from Montréal and is transformed from a coffee-and-doughnuts chain into an upscale creperie. Furious at this repurposing, the rest of Canada decides to invade Quebec and settle this once and for all. Troops gather on the banks of the Ottawa River on the day of the battle, ready for anything. However, they have gone so long without fighting conventional warfare that neither side is entirely sure of the rules of engagement. An awkward pause settles over the arena. This lasts for roughly seven hours, at which time someone suggests that a hockey game between the Toronto Maple Leafs and Montréal Canadiens would be best to settle the dispute. The game ends in a tie, and both sides return home, unsure of what it was they were so upset about in the first place.

10. In Saskatchewan, no one suspects a thing.