FICTION

José, Rosalita, and the Land of Mystery

by Kevin Clair

Author's Note. Five years ago, I was taking Spanish in my second attempt to complete Carleton's foreign language requirement, having failed out of Latin in my first. I was sometimes required to write compositions; for one of these assignments, I turned in the story you are about to read. (It was in Spanish, obviously, but I am presenting it in translation here.)

You might conclude one of two things based on this story: either I didn't take Spanish seriously enough, or I took it entirely too seriously. I prefer to think of it through a more whimsical frame of mind. Foreign language courses let you write things sincerely that would look utterly ridiculous in English; I merely took full advantage of the opportunity.

I'm going to warn you now that this story doesn't make any goddamn sense, but you were probably expecting that.

Once upon a time, there lived a girl and a boy named José and Rosalita. They lived in a small house in a small town, and they were usually happy. Sometimes, something bad happened, but after that they were always happy again.

One day, when the children were playing in their house, a woman came. The children were afraid, but the woman said, "Do not be afraid, children. I am the Queen of Mystery. In my land, we have a problem that only you can fix."

When they heard this, the children were even more afraid. After some time, José asked, "Why are you here?"

"In the Land of Mystery, we have a magical cow," replied the Queen of Mystery. "But now it is not there. It escaped and we can't find it."

"That is a big problem," said Rosalita. "But how can we help?"

"We think that the cow is in your land," said the Queen. "But I am not able to return it to the Land of Mystery because it is a magical cow and the trip would kill us."

"I'm sorry," said José. He said to Rosalita, "What do you think? Should we help her?"

"I don't know," she replied. "I think we should see what we'll get."

"What will you give us?" asked José of the Queen.

The Queen laughed. "You children are funny," she said. "Of course las Misteriosas have a reward for you. It is quite great and valuable, but it is in the Land of Mystery and you cannot see it now."

"How great?" asked Rosalita impatiently. She did not like to play games.

"Very great," replied the Queen impatiently. She did not like Rosalita.

"I don't know," Rosalita said to José. "I don't like it."

"Why us?" José asked of the Queen. She was hoping he would ask this. "José and Rosalita," she began, "las Misteriosas think that you are the best children in your world, and they would like for you to help with this problem. They think that you are the only children who can help."

The children thought for several minutes. Then José said to her, "We will help you."

"Excellent! I am so happy!" exclaimed the Queen. "I hope that you find our cow." And then she left.

"If you were a magical cow," asked José of Rosalita, "where would you be?"

"McDonald's," she replied. "I don't know. It's a stupid question."

They walked down the road. They didn't know where they were going, but José was sure that they would find it eventually. Rosalita thought otherwise.

"We've been walking for hours," she said. "What are we doing?"

"Don't worry about it," said José. "I know where a magical cow would be. Follow me." Rosalita thought that José was crazy, but she did not say so.

Suddenly José shouted, "Rosalita! Over here!" When Rosalita arrived she was surprised, because off in the park was the magical cow. The cow was eating flowers, but something was different. The magical cow went from flower to flower, and after he ate them a new flower grew in the same place. The children found the magical cow very interesting, but then José remembered the words of the Queen of Mystery.

"Cow!" said José. The cow did not reply. "Cow!" said José again. The cow continued to eat. "I need your help," José said to Rosalita.

"Why?" she asked. She couldn't believe this. "This is ridiculous." But she tried anyway.

"Hey! You stupid cow, who eats flowers like an idiot! What are you doing?" she shouted, having finally lost her patience completely. The cow looked up at the two children.

"I'm hungry," he said. "What do you want? I hope it's important, because I don't like to be interrupted from my meals."

"The Queen of Mystery wants you to go home," said José. When the cow heard this, he laughed.

"What for?" he said. "So they can tell me what to do? I don't believe it." And he continued to eat. José grew desperate.

"You listen to me, fatty," shouted Rosalita. "Are you crazy? He's a magical cow!" whispered José to his sister. "Shut up, you," she said back to him. To the cow she said, "Your Queen says it is very important that you go home. I don't know why, and I don't care why. But I don't like the Queen, and I don't want to see her again. So I hope you go home right now, because I don't want to make you, but I will."

There was a pause. Then the cow said, "I hate the Queen. I'm not going back."

"You can't run from your problems all the time," said José. "That's no solution."

Rosalita agreed. "Las Misteriosas need you, too. I think they need your magic."

"Really?" asked the cow.

"Yes," said José. "The Land of Mystery isn't the same."

The magical cow thought for a moment. "I will return," he said finally. And so he returned.

The children were alone in the park. "Now what?" asked José. "I don't know," replied Rosalita. Then the Queen of Mystery arrived. "Hello, my children," she said.

"Hello," said José.

"I want my reward," said Rosalita.

"First I want to give you my thanks for your help," said the Queen.

"You're welcome," said José.

"And now your reward," said the Queen. "It is here." She held out her hand.

"What is it?" asked Rosalita.

"A dollar," replied the Queen.

"A dollar?!," Rosalita yelled. "That's nothing! Get lost!"

"But I only have one dollar," said the Queen.

"It's nothing! Less than nothing!" came the reply. "Goodbye!" And then the Queen left and she never came back. In truth, nobody from the Land of Mystery ever returned because all of them were afraid of Rosalita. The magical cow told them that she was quite irrational and crazy. When the Queen returned to the Land of Mystery, she agreed. And that is how Rosalita destroyed all of the magic in the world.